Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27755th time (3) (ch19)

Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27755th time (3)

Now that she mentions it, Mogi-san hasn't applied makeup right now. Since I obviously don't have any habits of using makeup, unlike Maria, it was pretty hard for me to notice, though.
But she owns a makeup pouch.
Why?
Maria presumes as follows.
---She got tired of using it.
I can't remember anymore, but I suppose Mogi-san originally cared a lot about her looks. However, she stopped caring because she couldn't find a reason to do so anymore in the 'Rejecting Classroom'. She left the pouch untouched in her bag since
March 01 before the 'Rejecting Classroom'.
Mogi-san became tired of applying makeup as well as of taking it just out of the bag.
Only someone who has the memories of over 20,000 loops would ever become like that.
And the only one who can possibly have those is --- the 'owner'.
Hence, the girl I love, who also loves me, Kasumi Mogi, must be --- the 'owner'.

«There's something I have to tell you, Kazu-kun.»
That's how Kokone called me out during the previous time, the 27,754th time. Then she told me as follows.
«Kasumi loves you!»
Kokone knew of Mogi-san's love for me. I'm sure that Mogi-san consulted her about this matter since they were good friends until yesterday.
We wanted to lure out Mogi-san.
But if we did so, she would naturally be cautious. If possible, we wanted to give Mogi-san no chance to prepare herself because Maria has already lost to her numerous times.
Therefore, we decided to use Kokone as a middleman. We concluded that she would lure out Mogi-san for us if we could make her think that I have the will to confess.
As a consequence of that --- we killed Kokone.
I recall Mogi-san's words.
«...so, will you go out with me?»
How often did she confess to me? For how long has she been in love with me? If the love was mutual, then why--
«Please wait until tomorrow.»
Why did she say that?
Mogi-san seems to be unaware of the blood all over her and doesn't show any expression.
---like always.
Has she always been expressionless like that? No, she hasn't. In some fragments of my memory there is the image of Mogi-san smiling brightly. But that smiling Mogi-san doesn't seem real to me at all. To me, Mogi-san is an expressionless and reticent girl.
But what if that bright Mogi-san, who doesn't seem real, is the original one?
Where did the girl called Kasumi Mogi go?
"She got dragged in."
As if to answer my question, Maria grumbles those words.
"She got entirely dragged into this endless recurrence."
She declares with her scorning eyes focused on Mogi-san.
There's this thought that already occurred to me previously: The human psyche can't possibly endure such a giant number of recurrences.
But Mogi-san has experienced the same day for 27,755 times.
And after repeating it so many times, Mogi-san is stained in blood right now.
"...it's your fault, Kazu-kun."
She says so, gazing at me.
"It's all because you cornered me!"
"...Mogi-san, what have I done?"
"'Mogi-san'."
Mogi-san repeats after me and twists her mouth.
"I told you. I definitely told you. I told you many hundred times, didn't I?"
"W-What are you talking about...?"
"I told you to call me «Kasumi», didn't I...?!"
...I don't know. I don't know of this...
"I said it hundreds of times and you accepted hundreds of times, didn't you? And yet, why? Why do you always forget it right afterwards?"
"It can't be...helped..."
"Can't be helped?! Tell me, why can't it be helped?!"
Mogi-san shouts hysterically. But her face is still almost expressionless.
Probably, she has forgotten how to change her expression during those thousands of recurrences because she has lost the reasons to do so. She can't properly laugh, cry or get angry anymore.
"Kazuki, don't listen to her."
Mogi-san releases me from her gaze and scowls at Maria.
"Don't address Kazu-kun so over-familiarly!"
"I can call him however I like."
"You can't! ...Why does Kazu-kun remember you, but not me...?"
"Kasumi, you designed it this way. Because it makes it easier to do things over again."
"Shut up! I didn't mean to do that!"
Come to think of it, in the 27,754th time Mogi-san looked frightened when she saw how I remembered Maria.
At the time I was sure that she was terrified by my strange behavior. But now that I know she's the 'owner', my point of view has changed: In truth, she let her accrued discontent burst out because I remembered Maria and not her.
"Kazu-kun..."
I'm not used to being addressed like this by her, either.
Perhaps, she has once asked me if she may call me «Kazu-kun», just like she has asked me to call her «Kasumi».
I may have forgotten it, but Mogi-san remembers everything.
"Kazu-kun, you said that you love me."
"...Yeah. I probably did."
"I agreed gladly! I told you that I love you, too!"
"......"
I only remember that she said «Please wait until tomorrow». Nothing else. I don't remember anything else.
"You don't remember, huh?"
I can't give her an answer.
"Can you imagine how happy I was? I tried my best all the time during those recurrences in order to make you look at me. I tampered with my hair, I tried applying mascara, I tried to appeal you, I found out about your hobbies, I learned about your talking habits... and you know what happened then? A miracle occurred! Your attitude changed clearly. I realized that you had gotten interest in me. You accepted my confession which you had been turning down previously. You even confessed to me. Every time you did so, you got my hopes up. I thought a joyful «continuation» was awaiting me, each time. I thought that this recurrence might finally stop. But you know what? ...Kazu-kun---"
Mogi-san looks at me expressionlessly.
"---you forgot each time."
I can't bear her gaze and look downwards.
"Even when you forgot, I had high hopes that you would remember next time. Each time you accepted my confession, each time you confessed to me, you raised my expectations over and over. But in the end you didn't remember. I soon gave up my hope. But you know, if someone confessed to you, you can't help but hope! A miracle could happen, after all. And that's why I was hurt each time."
I can't imagine going out with her. But Mogi-san made real what I wasn't able to imagine. She made me fall in love with her. Perhaps, this is the reason why my memories are vaguely preserved.
But winning me over like that was meaningless in the end.
There's nothing ahead of there.
When she wins me over, it ends right there.
What awaited her was a perfect one-way love.
An absolutely one-sided love that stays unrequited even when she gains my affection.
"Therefore, I didn't want you to confess to me anymore. But you came nevertheless. You still said that you love me. And although I was so happy, the pain was greater... so I had no other choice but to tell you this each time:"
Mogi-san speaks out those words that I have certainly heard many times before.
"'Please wait until tomorrow'."
My heart is wrung.
All this time, she herself was hurt the most by those words - much more than me.
But why doesn't she just end the 'Rejecting Classroom', then? Her one-sided love won't be requited. Even if it's not her only aim, she definitely suffers like this.
"Kazu-kun... do you get it? It's your fault that I'm suffering. It's all, all, aaall your fault."
"What's with that nonsense you're blurting out there?"
Maria interrupts her with an ill-humored face.
"What an extreme lack of responsibility. You're just forcing the responsibility of your pain upon Kazuki because you can't endure the agony of your own 'Rejecting Classroom' anymore."
"...No! It's Kazu-kun's fault that I'm suffering!"
"Think whatever you want. But Kazuki doesn't think so. He can't even remember you. Kazuki has only preserved his memories right now for the sake of his own goal. Not for your rotten heart."
"Why... why would you know that!?"
"Why, you ask?"
Maria straightens up her back and sneers at her.
"The answer is simple."
She answers nonchalantly.
"Because I have watched Kazuki Hoshino more than anyone else in this world."
"Wha--"
On hearing these caustic words, Mogi-san loses her train of thoughts.
She tries to utter an objection, but her mouth just opens and closes without forming any words.
I close my mouth for a different reason. I mean, it's embarrassing when someones says such a thing! Seriously.
"N-No, I've watched him for the same amount--"
"Your time is worth nothing."
Maria denies with an irrational argument.
"Don't you understand how worthless your time is just by looking at what you have achieved? Look at yourself in the mirror. Look at your hands. Look at your feet."
On Mogi-san's face was solidified blood that was about to turn black.
In Mogi-san's hand was a kitchen knife.
At Mogi-san's feet was Kokone's corpse.
"Please, feel free to object. Insist that you watched Kazuki as long as I did. If you really believe that your words have any weight."
Mogi-san seems to be stricken and turns her gaze downwards.
I'm not able to say anything to her.
"......heh, fufufu. You have watched Kazu-kun more than anyone in this world? I guess so. Perhaps it's just as you say. Ufufufu, but it doesn't matter! Why should it?"
She chuckles, her head still turned downwards.
"Hmpf, I pity you. So you broke at last."
"At last...? Ufufu... what are you saying?"
She points her kitchen knife at Maria, still looking downwards.
"Did you think I was still in my right senses in the first place?"
She raises her head.
"Let me teach you a nice fact, Otonashi-san! Everyone that gets killed by me disappears from this world!"
Her face is expressionless as always.
"Thus, it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter how long you have watched Kazu-kun if you're going to disappear anyway!!"
Mogi-san grips the kitchen knife and charges Maria. I reflexively shout Maria's name. But Maria just boredly gazes at Mogi-san, not seeming concerned in the least. She plainly grabs the arm Mogi-san is holding the knife with and constrains her just like that.
"Ugh..."
Their difference in power is clear. So much that I'm embarrassed having called out her name.
"Sorry. But you know, I have learned all major martial arts. Seeing through your straightforward movements is as easy as twisting the arm of a baby."
The kitchen knife falls out of Mogi-san's hand and makes a sound.
Disarmed, Mogi-san dumbfoundedly gazes at the kitchen knife on the ground.
"...as easy as twisting the arm of a baby...?"
Mogi-san whispers painfully with her glance still directed at the knife.
"......ufufufu"
And yet, even though she's supposed to be in pain, Mogi-san smiles.
"What's so funny?"
"«What's so funny?» she asks! Ufu... haha, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
She laughs with her mouth wide-opened. Her blood-stained face, however, is far from smiling. Despite her laughter, the corners of her mouth aren't raised. Rather than narrowing her eyes softly, she has opened them widely.
Maria wrinkles her forehead, seeing this loud laughter.
"Of course it's funny!! After all, you compared grabbing my arm with twisting the one of a baby! You of all people! You, Aya Otonashi, did! What a masterpiece! If not a masterpiece, what else is this?!"
"I fail to see what you find so enjoyable."
"Really? Then tell me, could you actually twist the hand of a baby?"
I still can't understand why she has laughed.
But Maria seems to be bereft of speech.
"Oh well, you captured me. Nice for you. Congratulations. So? What was your goal again?"
"......"
"I know. I've heard it numerous times, after all. It's to end this repeating world, right? It's to obtain a 'box', right? So what will you do for it? You just have to kill me in order to end it, right?"
"...right."
"I know that you have mastered all those martial arts, Aya Otonashi! You told me yourself! Why are you... why are you acting like you outwitted me? Isn't it ludicrous? Did you think I didn't know that or what? How embarrassing! It's embarrassing, isn't it? Listen... I've returned to the past just as often as you, you know? I know very well about you! You disarmed me. You're holding my arm. So what---?"
Mogi-san returns to a serious look and speaks her next words in a low voice.
"What are you going to do to me next?"
"......"
Maria does not reply.
"Oh you gentle, gentle Otonashi-san. You, who can't kill me. You, who can't torture me. You, who can't even break a single bone. Are you able to twist the hand of an oh-so weak baby while being so elegant to dislike violence? No. You can't. Of course you can't."
I see. So this is the main cause for Maria's losses.
As soon as violence is the only solution, Maria can't do anything. And Mogi-san is aware of that.
"Think about it for once. Don't you think that I have had the chance to kill and 'reject' you all this time? Do you know why I did not do so, although you clearly were a hindrance? For one, it's convenient that you rescue me from the accident! But that's not all. I noticed it the first time when you found out that I have the 'box' and failed to corner me."
Maria clenches her teeth.
"You're not even worth --- being my opponent."
Sometime ago, Daiya told me that the «Protagonist» is inferior to the «Transfer Student» because of their difference of information.
But his thesis is wrong.
The Kasumi Mogi«Protagonist» has more information than the Aya Otonashi«Transfer Student».
"I've had enough of this pattern."
Mogi-san says in a purposely bored tone.
"...but unlike the other times, Kazuki's here now."
"Well yeah. So, should we try out something new?"
Mogi-san kicks the grip of the kitchen knife. The knife spins loops in the blood and slides to my feet.
"Pick it up, Kazu-kun."
Pick what up? The kitchen knife?
I look down at the kitchen knife again.
The blood on it has increased even more now. It shines deep red.
"Say~, Kazu-kun. Do you love me? If so--"
I raise my face and watch her lips move.
"--I'll kill you. So give me that knife."
---- What?
I don't understand. I know what her words mean, but I can't understand what she just said to me.
"Did you not hear me? I told you give me that knife so that I can kill you."
She repeats herself. Looks like I didn't mishear her.
"Mogi, have you gone mad?! Don't you love Kazuki?! Why do you request such a thing?!"
"You're right. I love him! But exactly because of that I want him to die. Didn't I say that it's Kazu-kun's fault that I'm suffering? Therefore, I want him to get out of my sight. Isn't that the logical conclusion?"
Mogi-san says as if it were completely natural.
"To begin with, why do you think I took your bait, although I knew that Kazu-kun would come? Well, I've got a proper goal! I've made a decision. ---the decision to kill Kazu-kun."
Mogi-san spits out her words with a peek at me.
"I can 'reject' Kazu-kun by killing him. He will get out of my sight. If that happens, I'm sure I won't suffer anymore. I will be able to stay here forever."
"Mogi, what's with that nonsense---ugh! Ah--"
Maria groans suddenly and kneels down. She's holding her left side.
"...? Maria?"
Something is stabbed into her left side.
...eh? Stabbed?
"Ah--- Ma-Maria!"
Maria looks at what is stabbed into her left side. Clenching her teeth, she pulls out this foreign body without hesitation. She moans again in pain. Scowling at Mogi-san, she throws away the object she has pulled out.
I look at the object that's rolling on the floor. It's a folding knife.
"You were off-guard. You may have mastered all kinds of martial arts, but that doesn't make you immune to surprise attacks. This cheap knife isn't effective against boys at all, but it should be more than enough for your slender body, right? I'm sorry, but your constitution stays the same in this world no matter how much you train it!"
Maria tries to stand up, but apparently the place of her wound is bad, so she fails at it. Blood is steadily leaking out from her left flank.
"I've been through a lot as well, you know. So I thought it might be better to have this with me. I'm always carrying this knife hidden on my body."
Mogi-san walks until she stands before me. She crouches down and picks up the tumbled kitchen knife.
"Ah--"
Although she is completely off guard, I'm not able to let out anything but such a sound. I can't move, as though I am petrified. I can't do anything but stand still like a nail in the wall.
My body's left behind. My mind is frozen because it cannot accept the reality that is taking place before my eyes.
"Didn't I say so, Aya Otonashi? People who are going to disappear anyway don't matter."
Mogi-san sits astride Maria and raises the kitchen knife.
She swings it down with no hesitation. Over and over. Over and over. Until Maria's breath stops for certain.
Maria does not raise a single disgraceful moan during the whole process.
"If you had stayed being a mere eyesore like a bunch of flies that swarm around feces, I would have spared you. But no, you had to make a move on my Kazu-kun!"
Mogi-san complains and stands up.
Maria doesn't move anymore.
Mogi-san looks at the kitchen knife she has stabbed Maria with several times. Then, she throws it at my feet.
I reflexively look at the knife. The knife that is soaked in the blood of Kokone and Maria.
"Well then, you're next, Kazu-kun."
I crouch down and reluctantly touch the kitchen knife. I remove my hand immediately when I feel the slimy touch of blood. I gulp down and reach out once again. My hand quivers. I can't grab it properly. I close my eyes and force myself to grab it. I open them again. The fact that I'm holding the weapon that killed Kokone and Maria makes my hand quiver even more. I almost let go of it. I grab it with both my hands to suppress the quivering.
Aah, I can't.
I definitely can't do anything with this knife.
"What are you doing, Kazu-kun? Come on... give me the knife!"
No, it's not only me. No one could do anything with this knife.
That means--
"...Who made you do all this, Mogi-san?"
Mogi-san shouldn't have been able to do anything with it, either. She can't possibly have been able to do this.
Unless she's been manipulated by someone.
She stares at me in puzzlement.
"...what are you talking about? Do you want to suggest that someone directed me? Are you alright in the head, Kazu-kun? That couldn't possibly be, now, could it?"
"But I fell in love with you."
"......what are you getting at?"
"Even after experiencing more than 20,000 recurrences, even after getting cornered, you would never do such a thing, Mogi-san. The girl I fell in love with would never do such a thing!"
For a moment Mogi-san is struck by my words, but then she scowls at me and replies.
"...I see. So by appealing to my emotions, you want to make me spare you, huh? I'm disappointed. I never thought you were such a coward. So you really don't want to die for my sake, huh?"
There's no way I would want to. For one, I don't want to die, and I don't believe that she would be saved by me doing so.
"......Kazu-kun, do you think it's an absolute taboo to kill?"
"...Yeah."
"Ufufu, how upright. Yeah, you're right. You're perfectly right!"
She says and peeks into my eyes.
"---so, for a lifetime... no, please enjoy your stay here for all eternity."
She tells me with a cold voice.
Probably because she knows that this is what I'm wishing for the least.
"Because --- if I hand over my 'box', I'll die."
In other words, she will die if the 'Rejecting Classroom' ends? Maria hasn't mentioned that with a single word.
"Do you understand? By slipping out of this 'box' you'll kill me. Do you think I'm lying? Do you think I'm just saying random excuses to protect the 'box'? I'm not! You'll understand if you think about it! I mean, why do you think I've had the wish to return to the past?"
When does one want to go back in time? Maybe at times when some tragedy happened...?
"Didn't you wonder why I'm always run over by that truck? Admittedly, there were times when Aya Otonashi sacrificed herself for me... ah, by the way, there were also times when you sacrificed yourself. But most of the times it was just me, right?"
"Ah---"
Don't tell me---
Finally I realized a possible explanation.
Why does Mogi-san not end the 'Rejecting Classroom'?
That traffic accident is an inevitable phenomenon within the 'Rejecting Classroom'. Someone, especially Mogi-san, meets with that accident. I don't know why, but that's for certain.
«I think --- once something has happened, it can't be undone.»
I have once said these words. Maria answered as follows. 'Your sentiment is normal. And apparently, the creator of this 'Rejecting Classroom' also thought like you'.
So, assuming I had the opportunity to destroy the 'box'. Would doing so also mean---
"Are you prepared to make me the victim of an accident?"
---killing the girl I love?
A dull sound resounds. I first wonder what that sound was, but then I realize that my knife has fallen to the ground.
"You're not even able to hand the knife over to me? How miserable..."
Mogi-san walks to my side. She picks up the kitchen knife.
She will probably kill me now.
Because she has committed so many sins, she can justify herself only by continuing to do so. If she doesn't, she will be crushed by her conscience. She can't return anymore. She has lost the ways to control herself, so she will run wild and kill me.
Most likely --- «Kasumi Mogi» stopped being «Kasumi Mogi» when she killed her first victim.
On her expressionless face is the blood of two girls.
She crouches down to the same height as me because I can't stand up.
She lays her arms around me with the knife in her hand. She lets her arms intersect behind my neck and applies the blade to my carotid artery.
Mogi-san's face draws nearer, then she opens her mouth.
"Please, keep your eyes closed."
I close my eyes as she told me.

Something soft touches my lips.

I instantly realize what this touch is.
At last, a certain emotion wells up in me. The emotion that didn't well up even when I saw Kokone's corpse or in the moment Maria was stabbed.
It's anger.
I --- can't forgive this.
"It's not the first time I kissed you, you know? But I'm sorry that it's always so forced."
I can't forgive this. I mean, I can't even remember that. And I'm sure I won't remember this time, either.
"Bye, Kazu-kun. I loved you!"
Is she really satisfied with memories she can't share with anyone? Well, Mogi-san might be satisfied with it, considering how much she has gotten used to being alone already.

A sharp pain runs though the back of my neck.
I betray Mogi-san's request and open my eyes.
Mogi-san gets upset but can't avert her eyes in time. Aah, finally our eyes met properly.
I grab her hand.
In the corner of my eyes I can see how the red liquid flows from my neck to her hands and drips down from there.
"...What are you doing?"
"I... can't forgive..."
"You can't forgive me? Fufu... I don't really care. I'm aware of that. But it doesn't matter! It's farewell already anyway."
"That's not it."
"...What is it, then?"
"It's not you whom I can't forgive. It's the 'Rejecting Classroom' that's far away from everyday life!"
I strengthen my grip on her wrist. Her delicate hand is pinned down by mine. My sight turns black for a moment. The bleeding at my neck might be fatal.
"Le-let go of me---!"
"I won't!"
I still don't know what to do. I'm sure I can't kill her. But I clearly realized one thing: this 'Rejecting Classroom' is unforgivable. Therefore, I must absolutely not disappear at this point.
"Let me kill you! Please, let me kill you!"
She shouts. Even though these are supposed to be words of rejection, it sounds to me like she's crying in pain. Almost like a lamentation.
...ah, I see. I finally noticed.
She is crying.
On the surface, she's expressionless as always. She hasn't shed any tears. I look straight at her. She averts her eyes immediately. Her fragile, thin legs have been trembling all the time. She cannot notice her own feelings, having lost her facial expression. She can't even notice that she's crying. Her tears don't flow anymore. Probably, because they dried up long ago.
Sorry that I didn't notice earlier.
"I won't let you kill me. I won't let you reject me."
"Don't mess around with me! Don't torment me any more than this!"
I'm sorry, but I can't listen to this entreaty.
Thus--
"I will absolutely not leave you alone here!"
I shout.
Maybe it's just my imagination, but I've had the feeling that Mogi-san relaxed for a second.
And yet...!
"Ah---"
My sight turns completely black. A blow on my cheekbones temporarily returns my sight. The scenery has changed. Mogi-san's blood-stained slippers are right before my eyes. My hands aren't grabbing her wrist anymore, but are lying powerlessly on the ground.
It's not like she has done something to me. I merely collapsed on my own.
Even though I was sure that I had finally found a way to persuade her, I can't move anymore now. I even have problems moving my mouth.
"I'm, an idiot."
I hear her voice.
"Just because of this, just because of such a phrase, I---"
I don't know what her face looked like when she said that, being unable to raise my face.
"............I must... kill. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill."
Like instructing herself, she repeats the same words.
Her slippers move. Someone's blood splashed on my face. I see the light of the kitchen knife slightly. ---ah, she's planning to use it.
"Now it really is farewell, Kazu-kun."
She crouches down and gently strokes my back.
"---I must kill..."
And then she plunges the blade ---
"--I must kill myself."
--- into her own body.