Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27755th time (2) (ch18)

Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27755th time (2)

"It may be a bit late, but I noticed that I do not need you."
She tilts her head. Maybe it is too sudden for her.
"Actually, I noticed long ago that you are a hindrance, you know? But I did not want to be cruel. After all, we were «friends», originally."
But, we are not friends anymore.
I guess she still considers me a «friend». Until yesterday, we were so intimate we would listen to each other's love troubles. But now that I have changed, I c
annot think so anymore. Therefore, we are not «friends» anymore.
That is not just a problem on my side. She cannot possibly doubt me, although I have changed. Even when I talk to her completely different from the past, she cannot notice.
--«Nobody can disturb my change».
That is the rule of this world.
Let us assume that, in the normal world, I change while the others stay the same. In her case, she thinks of me as a friend. So if I change, she perceives it as unusual for me. That would already disturb my free change. It would probably resemble the reaction towards someone who suddenly dyed his hair blond during summer vacation. My possibilities would get limited when being put in such an environment where I cannot change freely.
In that case, I would not be able to grant my one and only wish, «spending today with no regrets».
That is why there is this convenient rule.
Right. This world is entirely made to be convenient for me.

And yet--

And yet... what? I cannot think of what lies ahead of that.
I have the feeling that I must not think about it.
Therefore I omit that thought and bring up another subject.
"Do you not think that 'love' resembles spilling soy sauce on a white dress?"
She does not seem to understand my metaphor and tilts her head.
"Let us say you spilled soy sauce on your white dress, okay? Even when you wipe it up, stains remain. They stay forever. Thus, you will keep remembering 'Aah, I spilled soy sauce there...' when you see them. There is no way you can forget since the stains remain there forever."
I open a drawer in the cupboard.
"It makes me sick, you know."
I grasp the kitchen knife in the drawer tightly.
"The fact that it was such a stain that broke me, I mean."
I take out the kitchen knife.
I have used this kitchen knife for the same purpose several times already. This kitchen knife here is the sharpest one.
She turns pale when she sees me grasping a kitchen knife. She asks me, "What are you going to do with that?" although I bet she can predict it to a certain degree. But she cannot believe that I would ever do what she is «predicting».
"You want to know what I am going to do with this? Ufufu..."
But you know? I'm sorry. It is probably---
"I will reject you!"
---just what you expected.

I *****ed ****** with a *****.

I try to not comprehend this dark, painful feeling that's about to arise. Even though resistance is futile, even though I have to comprehend it for my purpose, I try to resist. Because I don't want to sense this feeling. Because I've acted as if I couldn't comprehend this feeling all the time up to now.
She has collapsed and is spitting out blood.
She must be suffering. How pitiful.
Probably, I failed. I should have ****ed her as painless as possible.
"You know, failing at this can be kinda scary. Boys develop an absurd power when they're desperate. Even a slender boy is much stronger than I am. Being hit with such strength is very painful. But much scarier are their eyes when they hit me. They look at me as if I'm trash. Why did I fail again? ...ah, right. Because I used a cheap knife just because it looked cool. It's pretty hard to kill people with such a thing, you know? And it's unpleasant at that. Stabbing or cutting people is. It's gross! I could vomit because of it. I've also cried, asking myself why I have to do such unpleasant things. But you know? In the end, the same will happen over and over as long as the person in question takes the same actions. And because of that, my desired future will never come. So what should I do other than erasing that person? It can't be helped, can it? Isn't that just cruel? Why do I have to do such things?"
She's looking at me with powerless eyes.
"But you know? Maybe I wouldn't even need to stab you like that. In the end, 'Rejecting' is just a matter of one's mindset. But you know? I didn't find any other way. I couldn't 'reject' anyone with another method than killing him with my own hands. It's not that easy to 'reject' someone from the bottom of your heart. I put a burden on my heart. And by creating these feelings of guilt, I force myself to flee from the person. Thanks to that I can truly think that I don't want to meet the person anymore - I 'reject' them. Nobody can remember that person anymore then, no matter what happens."
She hangs her head, apparently unable to hold it up anymore.
"I know! It's my fault, right? It's all my fault, right? But tell me, what should I do then? ...Sorry. You have no idea, do you? Aah, why am I even talking so much? I know why. I'm so anxious, so anxious, so anxious, I can't be quiet. I secretly hope that you might forgive me when I tell you my reasons. But I know; there's no way you'd forgive me, is there? I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so selfish. But you know? I'm the one that suffers the most. I'm properly blaming myself. I know that I'm doing something bad. So, to be honest, I couldn't care less about what you think of me."
I wonder who I'm talking to?
But I have a gut feeling that it doesn't matter. I've never talked to anyone in specific, anyway. I've never even considered that collapsed person a «friend».
I'm alone anyway.
"N-No--"
And yet, I don't want to admit it.
Even though it makes me all the more aware of just how alone I am, being at such a place, I can't help but scream:
Please come!
Come quickly!
"Kazu-kun!"
I wonder when... when have I become able to address him so casually? Although I've gotten his permission to address him like that so often in these recurrences, he never remembers it.
At this instant the door opens.
He's here.
The one I've been longing for, Kazuki Hoshino, is here.
Kazu-kun loses his words upon seeing this terrible spectacle. Next to him is that annoying girl, Aya Otonashi, who's living in my 'box' like a parasite.
"...so you've finally come, Kazu-kun."
I'm amazed at my own words.
Just how stupid am I?
Just how many times did Kazu-kun belie my expectations? Didn't I give up on him several times within those uncountable number of betrayals?
It's not even a coincidence that he's appeared here. I decided to invite him here, in order to show him this.
And yet I can't help but expect a miracle from him because he appeared with that timing, just like the one long ago. I'm starting to expect that he will take me back to the real world.
Although --- there's no way that would happen.
Kazu-kun has his eyes wide open.
"Kazuki. I can guess your feelings. But you should have known."
The redundant girl says something.

"That the 'owner' is --- Kasumi Mogi."

Kazu-kun turns his widened eyes to the collapsed ******.
What was her name again? Oh well. I forgot. I even forgot when I forgot.
"...w-why---"
You want to know why I did that?
I can't hide my irritation at Kazuki's slowness.
Putting reproach into my eyes, I cry out my thoughts at him.
"Die!"
It's not enough.
"Die, die"
It's still not enough.
"Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die"
I just don't want to---
"---die!!"