Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27753rd time (2) (ch12)

Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27753rd time (2)

*rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp*—
What is this sound, I wonder? It’s an extremely low sound I almost fail to notice if I don’t perk up my ears. But it’s a sound I mustn’t overhear, that is coming from inside me.
*rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp*—
There’s a tiny, little rasp applied to me. Where?—well, the sound comes from within me, so it’s shaving off my inside of course.

*rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp*—
Even though the sound is very low, to me it sounds extremely loud, so I reflexively cover my ears. But doing so just lets me hear it better. Aah, naturally. Of course I can hear the sound from within me even better when I block the sound from the outside. So I am not even able to cover my ears. I’ll never ever be able to escape from the sound of myself being abraded.
And it hurts. As expected, getting abraded hurts. I bet it feels like this when one’s heart turns into a blow-fish. A continuous prickling pain. Are these feelings of guilt? And I was sure that was the first feeling I’ve lost. It must have been more stubborn than I thought.
*rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp* *rasp*—
I’m getting abraded.
My heart.
My self.
Aah, my insides will lose their shape and crumble to small pieces, like wood shavings, if it goes on like this. Mhhm, no. It’s already—too late. I’m just small pieces already.
In these 20,000 recurrences, I stopped being myself. I’m aware of this fact. I couldn’t endure this boredom and lost my heart. I can’t even communicate properly with others anymore.
This world is rejecting me.
Well, of course. This isn’t the place I belong from the start. I’ve thrust myself into it forcefully. The everyone else’s classroom is always rejecting me.
I know how I can attain ease.
But I won’t do such a thing.
That is because—my wish hasn’t been granted yet.
…huh? But I have already crumbled to small pieces. So why can I retain only this wish like this? Is this even possible? My wish was abraded together with my heart. As proof—
—I can’t remember this wish.
“—ahaha”
I laugh unintentionally. Right, I can’t remember. Ahaha, I can’t remember. What was my wish again? Come on, let me remember! Ahaha stop kidding me! Why did I endure these recurrences which are nothing but torture? I can only laugh. Though I can only laugh…aah, I have forgotten how to truly laugh already long ago, and so I raise my laughter expressionlessly.
So—I could as well just end it.
An extremely simple conclusion. I wonder why I couldn’t think of such a thing?
I just have to kill him. Right, I just have to kill him. I just have to kill Kazuki Hoshino. After all, he’s the origin of this agony. If I can attain ease by doing so, then I just have to kill him quickly.
But somewhere I know.
This «tenacity» of mine that was once called my «wish» won’t grant me an end.