Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 0th time (ch16)

Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 0th time

I didn't notice that 'Love changes the world' isn't just a metaphor until I was sixteen.

Haven't you thought that life is too long with all those repetitions of habits several times as well? I'm sure the number of times I've thought about dying quite seriously couldn't be expressed using both of my hands, and not even by using my feet as well.
I was horribly bored.

But I did not put this into words and behaved cheerful as always. After all, it won't do you any good if you show such an attitude open for everyone. Therefore I endeavored to be on good terms with everyone. Which isn't all that difficult. If you don't think deeply about strong and weak points or likes and dislikes, you can get along with everyone.
Quite a number of people gathered around me and they all said the same to me.
"You're always so cheerful. You sure have no worries, right?"
Ah, yes. Thank you so much everyone for being deceived so honestly. Thank you so much for not recognizing my dark side until now. Thanks to that I've come to want to throw it all away.
I probably know the point in time this boredom began.
Each and every one is just too self-centered.
When I exchanged mail addresses with some boy and replied to his messages regularly, he got excited on his own and confessed to me. When I tried to not leave out a boy that wasn't well received by the girls, he mistook it for affection and confessed to me. When I was invited by someone to the theater and accepted since it was hard to turn down, he confessed to me. When I went home together with someone several times because we lived in the same direction, he confessed to me.
And then they all made faces as if I betrayed them, they got hurt selfishly and resented me. I was also resented by the girls who loved those boys. Selfishly. Self-centered. It hurt me every time, I became full of scars, and when I didn't even recognize the new scars when being hurt anymore, I finally noticed.
I would only need to associate with each and every one halfheartedly in my spare time. I would only need to sense the mood and continue having shallow talks. I would not show them what's inside me. I would only need to close like a shell in order to protect my soft inside.
And then I became bored.
No one noticed even when I only showed them my surface.
They all said the same to me.
"You're always so cheerful. You sure have no worries, right?"
What a great success.
You should all just disappear.


It was at an ordinary day after school. I was smiling as always while talking comically with the strangers around me that pretended to be friends. Then, all of a sudden, without any special impetus.
Nevertheless, it struck me. This concept suddenly obtained a shape and made me think of a certain word.
«Alone»
Aah, I was completely -- alone.
Alone. I see, so I was alone. Despite being surrounded by everyone, I was alone. I felt strangely pleasant. This word fit just too well.
But this word promptly sharpened its fangs and attacked me. It was the first time I learned that pain comes together with such utter solitude. My chest hurt, I couldn't breathe. And even when I was finally able to take a breath, it felt like needles were inside the air. Pain ran through my lungs. My sight turned black for a moment and I thought that my life could just as well end now. But my sight returned right away and life didn't end as easily as that. Therefore, I didn't know what to do. I don't know. Help me. Everyone, help me.
"What's wrong?"
Someone took notice of my change and addressed me.
"You look very happy smiling like this."
Eh?
I'm smiling--?
I touched my cheeks because I didn't understand his words.
Certainly, my cheeks were raised.

"Really, you're always so cheerful. You sure have no worries, right?"
I laughed out. "Yeah, I'm happy!" I laughed. I laughed without even knowing why.
At that moment, the color of the surrounding people gradually turned transparent. One by one they turned transparent. Turned transparent and disappeared, so I couldn't see them anymore. Some voices addressed me, but I couldn't hear them. But for some reason I still replied properly. I don't get it.
Before I knew it, the classroom was empty. Only I was left.
But I'm sure I was the one who made it like that.
I rejected them.
"I have an appointment, so I'll go now."
Although I couldn't see anyone, I said so with a smile and took my bag. My relationship with the others probably could have been established even if I didn't address anyone in specific. I should have spoken to the wall from the start if that's what it's like.


And yet, why?
"...excuse me, are you alright?"
Although there should have been no one there, I could hear those words clearly for some reason. I had just left the school gate when I was brought back in an instant and the invisibles changed back as well.
A boy from my class was standing there out of breath when I turned around. As it seems, he ran after me.
His name was certainly Kazuki Hoshino. We weren't intimate, nor did he have any special characteristics - I knew no more than his name.
"What do you mean?"
While I asked so, I noticed that a strange expectation enveloped me.
After all, he wouldn't ask whether I'm «alright», if he hasn't noticed my abnormality. Meaning he might have been able to sense my change, what wasn't even possible for the people that were near to me.
"Err... how should I put it? You looked very «distant»... or not, I'm not sure, but it seemed like you weren't inside the everyday life..."
He said with difficulty. He didn't get to the point at all.
"Err... don't mind if it was just me. Sorry for saying strange things."
He seemed to feel awkward and was about to leave.
"...wait a moment."
I held him back. He inclined his head slightly and looked at me.
"E-err..."
I might have stopped him, but what should I say now?
But hey--he was able to describe me as «distant», although I was smiling while being in this lonesome classroom.
"...do I always look cheerful?"
If he answered this like the others, then he'd be just the same.
Ah, I had giant expectations. I had giant expectations that he would deny it and understand me.
"Yeah. Well, ...you do look so."
He said hesitantly.
Upon hearing those words, I became disenchanted with him, lost my interest and hated him. I was surprised by that pendulum-like sudden turn of my feelings, but my expectations had probably been respectively high.
But then, he, whom I hated, added those words.
"You're really trying hard, aren't you?"
My feelings shook like a pendulum once more and my hatred was inverted all over. My face couldn't follow that change - only my heart felt strangely warm.
Trying hard. Trying hard to look cheerful.
That's correct. Much more correct than denying it.
And so I -- fell in love.



I'm properly aware of it. It's just a convenient assumption. Just that he said «You're really trying hard, aren't you?» doesn't mean he understands all of me. I'm aware of that. But even so - this assumption of mine doesn't leave my mind anymore.
First, I thought this feeling would be just temporary. But it soon grew to a point where it couldn't be undone. My feelings for him were being piled up, like snow that doesn't melt away until it covers my heart entirely. Despite being aware that he might become my everything if it went on like that, it didn't feel bad for some reason.
After all Kazuki Hoshino rescued me from that lonesome classroom and dispelled my boredom.
If he vanished from my heart, I was sure I'd return there.
I'd return to that lonesome classroom where I was all alone.
My world changed so easily. That I had been bored seemed like a lie. It is as if my feelings have been plugged into a powerful amplifier. I get happy just by greeting him. At the same time, I get sad that I am only able to greet him. I get happy by talking with him. I get sad that I can only talk a bit with him. My heart that's obviously out of order feels complicated and good.
Yeah! I'll get on good terms with you without fail!
First, I'd like to start calling each other by our first names.

----------------------------......

"Do you have a wish?"
He seems to exist everywhere, but does not exist anywhere. He seems to resemble everyone, but he doesn't resemble anyone. Someone of whom I can't tell whether he is male or female speaks to me.
Wish?
Of course I have one.
"This is a 'box' that grants any wish."
I accept it with my blood-stained hands.
I immediately understand this is the real thing. Therefore, I am determined to not let go of this 'box'.
It's the same for everyone, isn't it? I don't believe there's anyone who would pass it back.
So I wish.
While knowing it's impossible, I wish.
"--I don't want to, regret."