Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27754th time (2) (ch15)

Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27754th time (2)

I am surely just worn out after the complete breakdown of my relationship with Otonashi-san and the sudden call from Kokone. ...which is only an excuse, though.
I had entirely forgotten.
That an accident would happen at the intersection for certain.
I myself am safe. I reflexively remembered when I came near the intersection due to the immense shock I suffered from dying once. So self-protection is no problem.
But that's not satisfactory at all. After all, that means someone else is going to get run over by this unavoidable accident.
I had forgotten it. And because of that, I was too late to save that person. Even though I knew that someone would get run over, I didn't stop it. 'Because I had forgotten it' doesn't even count as an excuse.

I'm horrible. It's just the same as if I killed that person.
Kasumi Mogi is there.
The girl I love is there.
The truck is driving towards her at breakneck speed as always.
I am unable to save her from my current position. No matter how reckless I jump out, I won't be able to save her from this distance.
She is going to get stained in blood. The girl I love is going to get stained in blood. The girl I love is going to get stained in blood because of me. The girl I love keeps getting stained in blood, over and over, with my responsibility, over and over, because I keep overlooking it, over and over.
"U-UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"
I run towards the truck. In order to save Mogi-san? No. Certainly not. I just can't endure my feelings of guilt and thus want to act like I did something. It's merely self-satisfaction.
Horrible. Just how horrible am I?

Then I see it.
"Eh...?"
The girl that was past all hope gets thrust away.

It wasn't me.
I am too far away to ever reach her in time.
Consequently, there is only one person who could have done it.
Only the girl that continued fighting even when I abandoned my memories and acted like I didn't know her.
Even though she wouldn't make it in time. In time to save herself.
But yet, she --
-- Aya Otonashi jumped out.
Ah, right. I remember.
I've already witnessed the exactly same scene countless times.
For her, it will all repeat anyway. Even the fact that she saved someone will disappear. What remains is only the memory of the pain she suffered until death. The fear of the encountering death. The despair that emerges from knowing that she will have to go through the same thing again.
And yet, Aya Otonashi jumped in the front of the truck. In order to save someone else from getting run over.
Over and over. Many thousand times.
Right.
Why did I only forget that?
The loud sound of a crash resounds, but the truck does not stop its course and smashes the wall down with a roaring sound. I approach Otonashi-san while still getting overwhelmed by this noise. Next to her, Mogi-san is lying stiffened in the same posture like when she was thrust away. Apparently she's suffered a shock.
I look at Otonashi-san.
Her left leg is bent in an abnormal direction.
She is full of cold sweat, but speaks with resolution almost as if she weren't hurt at all.
"Last time, I killed you."
Although speaking should be painful for her, she says so clearly.
"I thought everything would end by killing the 'owner'. I didn't want to. But at that time I believed that this was the only way to get out of the 'Rejecting Classroom'. I accepted becoming a being below human. I don't want to admit it, but I didn't mind at that time. I thought that the 'me', that became a being below human, would also get reset and disappear after getting out of the 'Rejecting Classroom'."
I finally understand why Otonashi-san acted like she forgot everything at the beginning of this time.
She couldn't forgive herself.
For approving of my death when I met with the accident.
So much that she was about to abandon getting out of the 'Rejecting Classroom' and obtaining the 'box' she is so tenacious about.
«Then why did you kill me?!!»
So much she wasn't able to object against those words.
Just how cruel have I been?
And they weren't even true at all.
Last time, I jumped out to save Mogi-san and died due to the accident. I thought this was Otonashi-san's fault, just like I always thought Mogi-san's death was Otonashi-san's fault.
Because of this prejudice I blurted out something like «You killed me». I should have noticed this misunderstanding the moment she denied murder. In truth, she was merely unable to save me.
For some reason, this accident occurs always. Someone gets run over for certain. It's just that it coincidentally was me that time.
"Mph, I can only laugh about my own stupidity. Guilt doesn't just disappear by forgetting it. And really, the 'Rejecting Classroom' did not end and I now have to cope with myself, having become a being below human. I can't think of any situation where the word 'retribution' would apply better."
As she says this, Otonashi-san coughs up blood.
"Otonashi-san, you don't have to speak if it hurts..."
"Will there be another chance to talk? I've already become used to this pain. This is nothing. It's just momentary pain, so it's much better than feeling pain chronically due to some disease."
One doesn't call that «accustomed»!
"I didn't lose my memories, nor did I get out of the 'Rejecting Classroom'. Fufu... I probably knew it. That I wouldn't be released from the 'Rejecting Classroom'."
"..why?"
"It's simple. I know: My tenacity won't release me that easily."
Otonashi-san stands up totteringly. Even though she could stay lying down, but I guess she can't stand me looking down to her.
Her left leg doesn't function at all. Otonashi-san coughs violently and bloody. But she then stands upright using the block-wall as support and looks at me.
Probably because Otonashi-san moved, Mogi-san, who has been petrified expressionlessly, starts to move as well. She then timidly looks at me.
"Are you alright, Mogi-san?"
"......HII!!"
She suddenly screams up.
"W-What have you been talking about... just now...? Mmhm, not just now, since yesterday... what are you two?"
...what? Who are you looking at with those eyes? Who are you looking at with those scared eyes?
...I know. I am the one her glance is directed at.
Somehow I am unable to leave her alone and unconsciously reach out for her cheeks.
"D-Don't touch me!"
Aah...you're right. What am I doing? Why am I reaching out for her mistakenly, although I'm the one that scares her? Or did I even think it would calm her down? Did I even think I'd be able make her calm down? ...there's no way I'd be able to.
"...what... are you...?"
I clench my fist. I can't explain anything to her. Thus, I have no choice but to endure her stare.
I'd love to explain the entire situation right now. Maybe she would even understand me.
But---I mustn't do so.
After all I have to fight. I have to fight against the 'Rejecting Classroom'.
And for that sake I have to refuse the fake everyday life produced by the 'Rejecting Classroom'.
I came to that determination when I took Otonashi-san's hand, back then. I refuse it. That Mogi-san smiled upon my words someday, that she blushed in front of me, that she let me sleep on her lap -- I refuse all of that.
Mogi-san gives up trying to understand me when I keep silent, and stands up, still scared.
She steps backwards with tottering legs while looking at us as if praying that we won't come chasing after her. Then, she escapes.
I gaze after her.
And make sure I don't avert my gaze.
Because this is supposed to be the outcome I desire.
"----I grasp how determined you are."
Otonashi-san says so, still leaning against the wall, after watching us.
"Therefore, I came to a determination as well. I shall give up my goal of trying to obtain the 'box'."
"...eh?"
This troubles me. This definitely troubles me. I need Otonashi-san's power. Without thinking it through any further, I open my mouth to stop her.
Just as I do so...

"--Therefore, I shall lend you a hand."

"...eh?"
I didn't expect that.
Lend me a hand? Aya Otonashi-san will lend me a hand?
"Why are you gawking like a gibbering idiot? I just said that I'll lend you a hand. Could you not hear me?"
But this is as impossible as the sun going up in the west and going down in the east.
"I lost my way. Just like you criticized, I became a being below human by killing you. No, even worse. I am a coward that abandoned her own goal and tried to run away because I didn't want to admit it. To say it plainly, I gave in to the 'Rejecting Classroom' once. And I continued to run away while telling myself that there's nothing more to do for someone like me who's merely a defeated 'box'."
Although she is abasing herself, the glint in her eyes is still sharp. I am a bit relieved.
"But there's no reason to waver. I certainly did something to be ashamed of. But there's no reason to dwarf just because of that. Nothing will start from regretting. Therefore I won't run away anymore. So--"
She shuts her mouth once, hesitating to finish her sentence.
But since I am almost scowling at her, she restates.
"So please---forgive me."
Aah, I see. That's what she meant.
This weird speech was supposed to be an apology to me.
This entreaty is completely meaningless.
"I can't forgive you."
Otonashi-san looks surprised for an instant upon my clear words, but then returns to her serious face right away.
"I see... getting killed is certainly not something you can forgive. I understand."
"That's not it."
Otonashi-san frowns, failing to comprehend my words.
"What I mean is...I don't know what to forgive anyway."
Right. It's not like I won't forgive her. I just can't forgive her. Because there is nothing that needs to be forgiven to begin with.
"...Hoshino, what are you saying? I..."
"You killed me?"
"...right."
"What's this nonsense?"
I smile spontaneously.
"I am here!"
Right. This is a certain fact.
"I am here, Otonashi-san."
However much responsibility she may feel, it's nothing that cannot be undone.
I don't understand why she's feeling such strong responsibility anyway. She is not the creator of the 'Rejecting Classroom' after all. Otonashi-san just got involved in it---
---no, that's not correct.
Otonashi-san isn't just a victim. She is a ruler who grasped our personalities and read through all of our behavior patterns. She knows how the ripples in the water will expand by throwing the stone at a certain place. She is a ruler of at least the same degree as the creator of the 'Rejecting Classroom' himself.
But because of this power, she feels responsible for the things that happen. Because she thinks that things could be prevented if she acts correctly.
Therefore, since she couldn't, and didn't, prevent someone's death, she feels like the killer herself.
But Otonashi-san said it herself. Death within the 'Rejecting Classroom' is just show.
"I really don't mind. But if you insist on it, how about using a certain appropriate word?"
Otonashi-san doesn't move for a while and keeps frowning. When I think she's finally going to move again, she looks downward.
"Fufu..."
Her shoulders tremble. Eh? What? What does that mean? I get nervous and sneak a peek of her.
"hehe...haha...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
--she's laughing! On top of that it's an explosive laughter!!
"H-Hey! Why do you laugh there? Sorry, but I don't get it!!"
Otonashi-san continues laughing out loud for a while, my protests not reaching her.
Geez... what's this about? I am actually confident that I have said something 'cool', but it seems my words are just a laughing matter in the end...
Otonashi-san finally stops laughing, returns to her usual gallant expression and speaks to me with pursed lips.
"I have experienced 27754 'school transfers'."
"...I know that well."
"I was convinced that I had grasped your behavior pattern completely by now. But I couldn't predict your statement just now at all. Can you imagine how amusing this is for someone who got used to boredom?"
She says, looking delighted. I can still not grasp her real intention and incline my head.
"Hoshino. You're truly amusing. You're a human I've never seen before. At first glance you look like an ordinary person with no values, but actually there's no one who is more attached to everyday life than you. For exactly this reason you're able to clearly distinguish this fake everyday life from the real one. Even better than me."
Better than Otonashi-san?
"That's not true. I can't distinguish it clearly at all. After all, my heart hurts when the accident happens, even though I know it's going to be undone..."
"Of course. That has nothing to do with distinction. For example, when you watch a movie or read a book, you also feel discomfort when the characters experience bad times, don't you? It's the same here."
Is it really like that? I wonder.
"---Hoshino."
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
It's so sudden, I don't get what she's apologizing for. Before I know it, the delight has disappeared from her face.
"Really, I'm ashamed of my own incapability. I'm sorry."
"I-It's alright..."
I only feel uncomfortable when a person that stands obviously above me earnestly apologizes to me like this. I falter as if I were criticized by her. I have to admit I'm pathetic.
"That was just a simple apology, but you're okay with that, right? I only have to keep understanding you, grasping you and directing you. This is what you desire from me, right?"
"Y-Yeah..."
"Apologizing, huh? Surely a necessity, but it seems to me that I haven't done it in years."
...I'm sure she really hasn't.
"Well then, it's time."
"Time?"
"For the end of the 27,754th 'School Transfer'. And the beginning of the 27,755th 'School Transfer'."
"Aah, I see."
I accept this queer fact surprisingly calmly.
When I looked around, naturally people have already gathered because of the big accident. Many among them are wearing very familiar uniforms. Kokone is there as well and watches us. We have been talking with each other while ignoring all of them. Well, I guess I can understand why Mogi-san was scared. A blood-stained Otonashi-san and me having a chat is most certainly strange.
I offer my hand to Otonashi-san.
She takes this hand, which someone else has refused, without hesitation.


My heart gets crushed by an overwhelming power like being squashed by a vise. The sky starts to close like a coin purse. Despite being closed, the world turns white. White. White. The ground becomes instable and tastes sugary for some reason - not on the tongue, but on the skin. That sensation doesn't feel bad, and yet it feels disgusting. Finally I understand that this marks the end of the 27,754th time.
We are inside soft, sweet and pure white despair.